


The Trial of Monkey D. Luffy

by funkdoc1112



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Courtroom Drama, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Whodunnit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27740296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkdoc1112/pseuds/funkdoc1112
Summary: Food has been stolen from the kitchen yet again, but Luffy swears that he has absolutely nothing to do with it this time. With the aid of Usopp, Luffy seeks to prove his innocence against the endless pestering of Sanji and Nami.
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Nami
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	The Trial of Monkey D. Luffy

"There he is, Sanji! Let 'im have it!"

It _had_ been a fun afternoon for Luffy, as he, Usopp and Chopper crawled around the grassy surface of the Sunny collecting the various critters that found their way on the boat after the latest storm. With the aid of Usopp's magnifying glass, Luffy had gathered up quite the sizable gallery of interesting beetles. But then, the familiar voice of Nami, who was standing in the doorway with a smirk that was distressingly devious to Luffy's eyes, had to go and spoil everything. Sanji soon followed, and he looked none too pleased to see Luffy.

"You little bastard, can't you keep away from the food I've got stored up for one second?!" he growled, gripping a large knife menacingly in his hand.

"What a shame, what a shame," Nami chided, shaking her head with a teasing smile.

"Huh? What are you talking about, Sanji?" Luffy asked, genuinely confused. Usopp and Chopper shrugged, figuring it was yet another crime of gluttony on their captain's part.

"I'm talking about the Bananagator legs that you _stole_ from the kitchen! Those were for everybody!" Sanji ceased his furious shouting to swoon over Nami. "Why, had it not been for my sweet Nami graciously aiding me in my search, I would have never found them hidden under _your bed!_ "

"Bananagators?!" Luffy gleefully asked, drool spilling from his mouth. His sudden appetite only reinforced his confusion, however. "But wait…I didn't even know you had that. I didn't steal anything!"

Nami wiggled her fingers like a schoolteacher giving a lecture. "Uh uh uh, don't try to play dumb, Luffy. You never were a good liar. I found these right under your bed, like you always hide stolen food."

"Well I mean _yeah_ , that's where I always put food when I steal them," Luffy admitted with no hesitation, "But I didn't do it _this_ time. I swear!"

"Save it. If anybody else stole it, it wouldn't be under your bed," Sanji remarked.

"Okay, it might have been under my bed, but I didn't put it there!" Luffy insisted. He was absolutely firm in his argument that he didn't do anything, but past behavior wasn't exactly on his side. He desperately looked around for anything that could help him make his case. "M-maybe it was Usopp!"

"Hey, don't lump me in with you!" Usopp screamed, throwing a beetle at his head. "But I actually side with Luffy. He's been out here with us all day, there's no way he had time to steal from the kitchen. If he did, I would've noticed."

"And why do you care, Usopp?! Unless you're in on it…!" Sanji narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"No, don't be ridiculous! You have the wrong man, that's all I'm saying."

"Now Sanji, why would you trust the words of a thief and a liar?" asked the instigative navigator. "This has 'Luffy' written all over it. He was acting pretty strange last evening, too. Probably stole it then and stayed out here today just to cover his bases."

"And why do _you_ care so much, huh Nami?" Usopp asked, lifting his chin and raising a suspicious eyebrow.

"Yeah, why do you care?" Luffy added, mimicking Usopp's gesture.

"I'm just tired of Luffy stealing food all the time, that's all," Nami said with an innocuous shrug. "Y'know, Sanji, I think I have the right punishment in mind for ol' Monkey Boy."

"And what would that be, my dear?" Sanji purred.

Nami rolled her eyes at the cook before replying, "No meat for Luffy for a month."

"Sounds good."

The declaration hit Luffy on the head harder than a Sea Prism Anvil, rendering his eyes almost blank. "Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

Sanji irritably covered his ears to block out Luffy's shrill voice. Nami did the same, but with smug satisfaction on her face. "Can you try to keep it down, _criminal_?"

"This is **BULLSHIT!"** The captain vulgarly roared.

"Wow, Luffy looks pretty mad about this. I think he really didn't do it, you guys," Chopper said, frowning in concern.

"C'mon now Chopper, he's just throwing a temper tantrum," Nami dismissed. "It's like they say, you can't do the time, don't do the crime!"

"I'M INNOCENT! I SWEAR IT! SOMEBODY ELSE TOOK THE MEAT!"

"The hell's all the ruckus about?"

From the men's room came Zoro, and an equally curious (but less sleepy and irritable) Franky followed. The fierce glare on Luffy's face led the pair to believe that his shouting may have been over something serious.

"Somebody stole meat and planted it under my bed!" Luffy shouted, desperately stating his case to Franky and Zoro.

"…and by 'somebody,' you mean you." Zoro deadpanned.

"Yeah, I'd call this a pretty open and shut case here," Franky added.

Before Luffy could continue pressing his innocence, Usopp stepped in front of him. "Well I don't know about you guys, but I agree with Luffy. He's been FRAMED! And it can be any one of you guys…" Usopp narrowed his eyes again and peered uncomfortably close to Zoro's face. "Well, Roronoa Zoro, seen any Bananagator limbs lately?"

Zoro was seconds away from punching Usopp's nose into an accordion when the alleged Brave Warrior of the Sea™ shifted his snooping to Franky. "Huh, Franky? Just what's in that internal refrigerator of yours?!"

"This is all ridiculous. Just accept your punishment like a man, Luffy," Nami lectured.

"N-O," Luffy replied, shaking his head. "I can't be punished for something I didn't even do!"

"Well it looks like we're at a standstill. Sanji and Nami are firm in their belief that Luffy stole the meat, while Luffy and Usopp are sure that he's been duped, bamboozled, nick-nacked-paddy-wacked!" Franky declared. "So the way I see it, there's only one way to settle this…"

"A duel?!" Luffy blurted.

"A TRIAL!"

Blank, confused blinking followed. It wasn't enough to deter Franky's stance, however.

"A trial? Ha! You just said it was an open & shut case, anyway," Sanji remarked. "I mean really, who else is greedy enough to steal food? Then again, Mosshead here is enough of a low-down rogue to do it…"

"What was that, cook?!" Zoro immediately clutched one of his swords in his hands.

Before Zoro and Sanji's disagreement could erupt into fisticuffs, Usopp stepped forward. "Hold on guys, Franky's right. A trial could be the perfect way of sorting this mess out! I'm certain I can clear Luffy's name!"

Nami and Sanji glanced at each other for a few seconds before erupting into raucous laughter, earning a peevish glare from Luffy. "You two, against us?!" Nami cackled. "That's the mismatch of the century."

Usopp matched Luffy's intense glare, taking Nami's dismissive remarks personally. "Watch your mouth! I, Captain Usopp, _esquire_ , am a skilled orator whose observation and collecting skills are second to none! You combine that with Luffy's unwavering integrity and honesty, and the only mismatch here is for _you two!"_

"You tell 'em, Usopp!" Luffy cheered, sticking his tongue out at his accusers.

Nami and Sanji's laughter only grew. "Oh man, I'm not even pissed about Luffy stealing the food I prepared anymore, this is just hilarious! Yeah, sure thing _Detective Usopp_ ; you gonna use your nose to sniff out evidence?" Nami slapped her leg with one hand and clutched her ribs with the other, on the verge of tears from laughing so hard.

"Sounds like a challenge to me," Franky observed.

"Y-you know what, Sanji?" Nami wheezed. "I think I actually want to do this trial. Watching those two goofs try to make a case is too funny to pass up."

"Yeah, I want to see this sideshow for myself!"

"THEN IT'S SETTLED! The trial of _Sanji v. Monkey D. Luffy_ shall commence in the Dining Room at 9 PM on the dot. Luffy will be represented by Usopp, and Sanji will be represented by Nami. A fair and just jury will be in attendance, and the trial will be presided over by yours truly! _SUPEERRRRRRR!"_

"Are you sure you want to do this in the dining room, Franky? Don't want Luffy to go stealing any more food!" Nami quipped, earning more laughs from Sanji. Luffy was grinding his teeth at the navigator so hard they were nearly scraping each other.

"Now use the next seven hours wisely and gather up your evidence, lawyers!" Franky advised.

Nami headed for the doorway. "Well I'll see you boys later. Better say goodbye to meat for the next month, Luffy."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want, Nami," Usopp mumbled. "But just you watch, Luffy and I are gonna put a case together so thorough that you and Sanji will never be able to watch a crime drama again!" Usopp turned to his Captain for encouragement, but he seemed more fixated on whatever his pinky was excavating from his nostril.

"…Okay, so maybe just me."

The evidence gathering process couldn't have been more different for the two opposing parties. While Nami and Sanji's "process" was pretty lax and mostly centered around Nami's rebuking of Sanji's various attempts at courtship, Usopp was painstakingly digging through every last nook and cranny of the Thousand Sunny, making note of anything he found suspicious, snooping in on his fellow crewmember's conversations, testing the logistics of transporting colossal bananagator legs across rooms…the usual. All in all, he treated the trial with the utmost gravity.

* * *

Sanji and Nami entered first, looking almost bored as they knew victory was in their grasp. The dining room was rearranged to resemble a courtroom, with two separate tables for each side, and row of chairs for the jury…which consisted of Zoro, Chopper, Brook, and the bugs that were collected earlier in the day.

"The Plaintiff, 'Black Leg' Sanji, represented by the Cat Burglar Nami. He claims that the defendant stole the Bananagator legs he was preparing for tonight's dinner in order to horde them for himself, and was the latest of countless similar incidents that have occurred since he joined this crew." For no reason other than her own amusement, Robin accepted Franky's offer to be the Bailiff. Accompanying her narration was a dramatic melody performed by Brook on his violin. "He is suing for 5,000 Berries in damages and demands the defendant be banned from consuming meat for the next month."

Usopp and Luffy entered next, and unlike their opponents, they were dressed for business, sporting neat suits and solemn, stern expressions on their faces. Usopp even had a rather large black suitcase, labeled "EVIDENCE," that he was carrying in both hands. As if to mock the festivities further, Nami wolf-whistled at the sight of Luffy's getup.

"My, my, looking good, Luffy!" she catcalled with a wink. When Luffy responded by snarling at her, she burst out laughing.

"The Defendant, Monkey D. Luffy, represented by Usopp. He claims he had nothing to do with the disappearance of the Bananagator legs and that the accusations levied against him by the plaintiff are absolutely outrageous, calling this suit a shakedown. He is countersuing for…5,000 pounds of meat for…' _definition_ of character.' Well I suppose that answers the question of who wrote the counter claim." Usopp could only warily rub his forehead

"This'll be like extorting a charity," Nami remarked, sighing dramatically.

"May the court please rise while honorable Judge Franky takes the stand!"

Franky made his confident stride into the dining room from the kitchen. Just like Usopp, he fully immersed himself into the trial setting, wearing a black robe and building a gavel and a podium for himself. Chopper and Brook rose as ordered…while Zoro was asleep. A quick slap and a lift by the collar via Robin's sprouted hands corrected that.

Franky cleared his throat and whimsically smashed his gavel against the podium. "WAHOOOOO! This _SUPER_ court is NOW IN SESSION!"

"Alright, can we just get on with the decision already?" Zoro impatiently drawled. Just a few seconds of this silliness was all he could bear.

"Do you want me to eject you from this courtroom?!" Franky howled.

"…Yes?"

Franky could only offer a growl to the clever response.

"Alrighty then, let's get this thing started!" Franky exclaimed. "Plaintiff, lemme hear your story first."

Sanji lifted a halting finger so he could light up a cigarette, but the loud banging of a gavel harshly interrupted him.

"No smoking in the court room!" Franky demanded.

"Are you kidding me?! This is just a kitchen!" Sanji protested.

Franky lifted his shades and fixed his piercing glare directly into Sanji's one exposed eye. "Do you want to defy a judge, plaintiff?"

"Whatever," Sanji muttered, He tossed his cigarette to the floor, resigning himself to the eccentricity of his crew. _Figures they'd get completely wrapped up in their little playtime._

"Alright, as everybody in this room knows, Luffy is probably the greediest, most impatient man on planet Earth, never finding a meal that he not only didn't like, but didn't want to snatch directly off of somebody's plate. Franky-"

" _Ahem"_

"- _Your honor_ ," Sanji amended through clenched teeth, "You, my lawyer, _Luffy's_ _lawyer_ , and everyone else in this room can attest to this and have been a victim at some point." Sanji turned around to face the jury, and then directed his attention to Luffy and Usopp. "Am I wrong?"

Usopp, whose forehead began spilling sweat, swallowed heavily in his throat. "I…uh, can't say th-that it's ever happened to me before…."

"Nah, Usopp, remember that time we caught that rare Sea King-OW!"

An elbow to the ribs from his lawyer drove the point home to Luffy that his awkward brand of honesty wasn't going to fly.

"Well, as the objective moderator of this dispute, I will try to keep my own personal experiences out of this. So, defendant, I ask you: is it true that you like to steal food from others?" Judge Franky asked.

Before Luffy could open his mouth to answer, Usopp pulled him and whispered something in his ear. "Um, my legal advisor recommends that I don't answer your question."

"That's an admission of guilt right there, your honor!" Sanji said. Another slam of the gavel by Franky shut him up.

"Well anyway, my client happened to be cursing up a storm in the kitchen when I got there for a quick little snack," Nami began. "He said the Bananagator legs were snatched right from the refrigerator and he'd been planning on frying them for us later tonight. So I just took him to where all of the stolen food ends up, naturally."

A hand suddenly sprouted from Franky's podium and handed him a sheet of paper. After taking it and observing it for a few moments, Franky looked to the courtroom. "Now the defendant Luffy says he had no knowledge of the food in the fridge to begin with and that somebody else placed the food under there."

"Exactly!" Luffy shouted, rising from his chair. "I mean, if I actually _knew_ that he was making Banagators, then maaaaaybe-"

Usopp stomped on Luffy's foot before he could further incriminate himself.

With a mischievous smirk, Nami cupped her ear and leaned closer to the defense table. "Oh, what was that, Luffy? You didn't quite finish that sentence."

"Uh…" Usopp whispered in Luffy's ear yet again. "My legal advisor recommends that I don't complete that statement."

Usopp let out a loud groan. This was clearly a job that he was going to have to take into his own hands. "This is getting ridiculous. The past is the past; I'm focused on _this_ specific case. Sanji, when do you think the food was stolen from you?"

"Well clearly it was within the last 24 hours," Sanji replied.

"Now, is Luffy exactly known for subtlety?" Usopp asked, peering closely to Nami and Sanji's table.

"…No?"

Despite Franky's obvious protest, Usopp, rose from his seat and took a grandiose stride to the front of the courtroom. With his hands clasped tightly behind his back, he began his speech. "In the last 24 hours, my client has been in the sight of at least one person on this ship at almost all times. Yes, we did go to sleep, but let's be honest: has Luffy _ever_ woken up in the middle of the night without making a bunch of noise that wakes one of us up?"

Nami sighed and sank her head into her hand out of boredom. "Well, no, but-"

"Chopper, you were with both me and my client from the moment the sun rose, collecting the beetles you see sitting amongst the jury, no?"

"Yeah, and we all ate breakfast but I never saw Luffy leave the table the whole time," Chopper replied.

Rolling his eyes, Sanji replied, "Then the crime obviously happened last nigh-"

"OBJECTION!" Usopp sceamed. The long-nosed lawyer returned to his table, although he leaned his hand against its edge rather than taking a seat. "You see, Sanji, your point brings me to the crux of this entire case. Before we all went to bed last night, we were all gathered up in this very dining room, and as I remember we were stirring up quite the ruckus. A few folks had too much to drink, there was singing and dancing all over the place, a few arguments broke out…the usual. An easy situation for somebody to slip away unnoticed and COMMIT A DASTARDLY CRIME IN ORDER TO FRAME MY CLIENT!"

Usopp turned his attention to a certain eight-foot-tall skeleton amongst the jury. "Brook, I recall you being perched on the counter playing various tunes to liven the atmosphere. Did you at any point notice any suspicious behavior?"

"No, I don't think anybody slipped past my eyesight…although as a skeleton, I don't have an eyesight to slip past to begin with! Yohohohohoho!"

Usopp palmed his forehead in exasperation, though he expected a response like that. "Well, anyway, I don't blame any of you guys if your memory of last night might be hazy or skewed in light of this case. And thus, I need to collect eyewitness accounts of last night's events." Usopp stepped in front of Franky's podium yet again.

"My first witness is somebody with no horse in this race and can remain unbiased. A man that is so aloof, so withdrawn, so one-track-minded that he couldn't be bothered to care about anything beyond his swords. I call Roronoa Zoro to the stand!"

"Sheesh, talk about flattery," Zoro spat, scowling and rolling his eyes as he rose to his feet. He lackadaisically took a seat in the chair set next to Franky's podium. This whole trial mess was utterly asinine to him, the only redeeming aspect being the cooler of beer he had next to him at his seat in the jury section.

Usopp stood right in front of Zoro with his arms folded. "Zoro, I don't doubt that you had nothing to do with the disappearance of the Bananagators. But surely, you have recollection of what happened last night, correct?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Zoro sighed. "It seemed like a pretty regular evening, actually…"

_Zoro was sitting at the center of the table, triumphantly slamming down his last mug of beer while recalling the details of a past battle. Luffy, Chopper, Usopp, Franky, and Brook were utterly fascinated, their eyes filled with sparkles and their jaws sunken to the table._

" _And that was the last time he dared to question the three swords style," Zoro concluded, folding his arms with a smirk on his face._

" _So awesome!" Chopper gushed._

" _Wow, Zoro. One day, I hope to be as supremely badass as you!" Luffy marveled._

" _As much as I'd like to hear some more of your incredible stories of SUPER sword badassery, I'm already getting a little hungry. I think I'm gonna go get some grub," Franky said. He stood up and walked towards the refrigerator._

_The fun times weren't going to last forever, unfortunately. As the kitchen doorknob twisted, an ominous, foreboding feeling enveloped all of the boys in the dining room. It was a haunting, but familiar presence that was about to make itself known, and being the composed first-mate, Zoro was on-guard…although even he couldn't hide his overwhelming sense of dread. Chopper and Usopp broke out into harsh sweats and began to shiver._

" _O-oh, no…it's her…" Chopper quivered. He hopped out of his chair and cowered behind Zoro for protection._

" _Greetings, gentlemen," hissed that horrifically shrill voice._

" _It's N-n-n-n-n…!" Usopp stammered._

_From the doorway slithered that wretched creature, with her writhing, mangled skin and unsightly figure reminiscent of a Goblin. Etched on her face were those demonic eyes and wicked smile that was the source of nightmares for every member of the crew. If Zoro weren't mistaken, those were fangs she was bearing in her slimy grin. Her back was hunched and her hands were mincingly clasped together, betraying her vile, perpetually scheming nature._

" _IT'S NAMI!"_

" _Zoro, I'm scared…!" Chopper murmured from behind the swordsman._

" _Don't worry, I'll keep you safe," Zoro tepidly reassured._

" _I find it very funny how you all are carrying on so merrily, considering the immense debts you owe me," Nami contemptuously sneered. She settled her fiery eyes on Usopp, who was so wracked with fear that he was tapping his fingers against the table rather rapidly. "Usopp! Cease that clattering at once! For that, I shall raise your debt an additional ten thousand berries!"_

_Usopp sank to his knees and desperately clasped his hands in pleading. "Please Nami, spare me! I'm sorry!"_

" _Begging is for the weak. An additional five thousand berries!" Usopp bent down on his hands, devastated._

" _What's the meaning of this, Nami?! Why must you do this?!" Zoro demanded, unable to hold his disgust any longer. "Do you truly care about your money this much?!"_

" _FOOL! Of course I do! I shall continue charging you all money until I have all of the riches in this world!" The crazed loan shark swung her head back and started cackling wildly. The unsettling vibrations of her voice forced Zoro and the others to cover their ears._

_Nami looked over her shoulder at the door and snapped her fingers. "Slave boy!" she called. "I require sustenance!"_

_Like the pitiable lap dog he was, Sanji twirled into the room on cue, already wearing his apron. He respectfully bowed to the demon of avarice. "As you wish, master!"_

_Zoro sucked his teeth in disgust as he watched Sanji obediently race to the stove to begin cooking, putting extra effort into the tangerine-based meal for Nami. "Pathetic. No spine whatsoever."_

" _Watch your mouth, Zoro!" Nami snapped, flicking her serpant-like tongue at him as a threat. She took a seat at the table, staring intently at her merry servant as he cooked for her. The other Straw Hats stumbled over each other in trying to sit as far away from her as possible. Only Zoro was brave enough to bite the bullet and sit across from her Satanic figure._

_Several minutes later, the meal was complete. Sanji laid out several plates around the table. Per usual, Luffy attempted to eat before anyone, but had a knife tossed at him by none other than Nami. Had Luffy not been alert enough to duck, he would have surely lost an eye, but that was obviously not a concern to the witch of the crew._

" _No eating until I have finished my meal first, monkey boy," Nami venomously seethed. "That shall be 500 berries out of your pocket."_

" _S-sorry…" Luffy grumbled._

" _Hey wait, we're missing two people," Usopp noted. "Robin hasn't been in here all evening and I could've sworn Franky was here just a few minutes ago. He had his face in the fridge for a while…"_

" _Have no fear pals, SUPER Franky is right here, and he's brought Nico Robin along with him," Franky said, cheerfully taking his seat at the table._

" _Sorry, I was so caught up in reading that I didn't realize how late it was," Robin remarked._

_With all of the Straw Hats at the table, the meal commenced. It wasn't entirely in peace however, as Nami continued finding trivial reasons to penalize and terrorize the other Straw Hats, including the Captain, and Sanji enabled all of it. Zoro sighed in exasperation. He truly was the lone bastion of sanity in his crew…_

"And that's what happened," Zoro said.

"Zoro, remind me to punch you in the throat," Nami growled, not at all pleased with his recanting of yesterday.

The green-haired swordsman smiled smugly titled his head to the side. "Not exactly disputing the story…"

"Hey wait…from the way Zoro tells it, Franky might have done it!" Luffy proclaimed.

The judge tossed his glasses to the floor and scowled hard at Luffy. "What the hell are you talking about?! All I did was get some snacks and tucked them away in my drawer before I told Robin that dinner was getting ready! As the honorable judge I will _not_ accept such slander!"

"Yeah, but-"

"No, he's right, Luffy," Usopp assured. He opened up a suitcase, revealing a vast sea of French Fries and hot dogs, along with a few cans of cola. "I, too, initially suspected Franky while recalling what happened yesterday, but upon inspecting his area of the Men's room I discovered all of these snacks that he collected. Additionally, I found receipts confirming that they were his own purchases."

"See guys, Usopp knows the score! An honorable judge would never lower himself to stealing a chef's food," Franky boasted.

"There is one thing that I would like to ask you, though, Franky – how did you open the refrigerator, exactly?"

With an indifferent shrug, Franky answered, "I just punched in the safe combination."

Franky's revelation elicited several gasps amongst the court room, including a couple of nervous ones. Usopp, on the other hand, was smiling triumphantly. "EXACTLY!"

The next piece of contraband Usopp unleashed from his suitcase was a lock with a sticker attached to it. "After digging through the kitchen, I discovered that the refrigerator has a lock attached to it, precisely to _prevent_ Luffy from stealing food. Not that Luffy doesn't continue to steal food to this day, but the number of incidents pales in comparison to when we had the Merry. Am I wrong?"

Nami heaved a loud sigh in attempt to divert the subject. "So what, it's probably just so other pirates won't steal from us."

Usopp scratched his nose and offered Nami his suspiciously narrowed eyes. "A likely story, yes, but this note begs to differ!" Usopp ripped the sticker off the lock and held it up for all to see. It read, _"For the lovely ladies. The rest of you pieces of shit, ignore this."_ Nervous tapping of her table emerged from a certain orange-haired Navigator. Sanji himself was intrigued, as he'd figured Luffy had simply snuck in while somebody else left it open, but Usopp was adding a new layer to the story.

"There are only four people on this ship who know the combination of this safe. Sanji, the man who proposed the lock to begin with; Franky, who constructed the lock; Robin, the most mature and trustworthy member of the crew; and _lastly_ , the next witness that I call to the stand…NAMI!"

Quickly putting up a brave front, Nami haughtily laughed in ridicule and made her way to the witness' chair in Zoro's place. She folded her arms and gave Usopp a steely, determined glare.

"Nami, Nami, Nami…" Usopp began, walking in paces around Nami's seat. "What were _you_ doing as dinner was winding down, hmm?" he asked, getting so close in Nami's face that his nose was touching hers.

Nami scrunched her face in disgust and flicked Usopp's lengthy facial digit away from her. "Ugh, if you want to waste everyone's time, sure. Here's what happened…

_It had been a normal dinner. Laughs were had, arguments were made, Luffy was stealing from plates. The usual. As stomachs filled, the table emptied, and the Straw Hats retreated to their beds, bathrooms, or whatever other spot suited their post-dinner needs._

_Next to take his leave from the table was Zoro, that unsightly, musclebound meathead of a man. He roughly stood up, knocking his chair over in the process, and scratched at his thick unibrow._

" _I go to room now, but I too stupid to find it," Zoro said in his gravelly, subhuman voice. The sound of it made Nami cringe; it was tough having what was essentially a caveman lumbering about with the crew, but such was life._

" _Hold on Zoro, I'll help you find the men's room…again," Nami said with a sigh._

" _If only I as smart and pretty as Nami," Zoro lamented._

" _Yeah, yeah, I know…" As Nami sat at the table, she felt something situate itself on top of her seat and reach for her dazzling, orange hair.. "Dammit, cut it out!"_

_Nami growled and looked up at Luffy, the perpetrator, who proceeded to rudely pick his rough fingers through her hair, carrying on with the grace of a wild animal._

" _For the love of God, Luffy, for the last time – there aren't any bugs in my hair for you to eat!" Nami exclaimed. Her protests were lost on Luffy, who continued harshly picking at the strands of her hair with no regard for the pain and discomfort he subjected her to. Nami had to take matter into her own hands and shove him to the floor._

" _SIT!" she commanded. Luffy didn't listen, springing towards her instead. Nami swung her arm forward and pointed threateningly at him. "No, no. Stay!" Luffy froze, looking at Nami with apprehension. "Now sit!" Finally, he crouched down, doing exactly as Nami ordered. She gave him a gracious smile and patted him on his head. "Good boy! Now go to your room." Luffy nodded and merrily left the kitchen._

"I am _not_ an animal," Luffy seethed.

"WHO'S TELLING THE STORY?!" Nami roared, looking more like Zoro's portrayal of her.

"Whatever," Luffy grumbled, folding his arms over his chest.

_Nami walked to the men's room, holding Zoro's hand like he was a child in order to lead him to it. She stopped upon reaching the door. "Now Zoro, I don't want to keep doing this every night. I know your literacy isn't up to par, but I left a few floor plans on your bunk."_

" _Okay," Zoro sheepishly replied, the dim look on his face indicating that he wasn't exactly aware of what Nami said. Zoro let go of Nami's hand and opened the door, which Luffy came storming out of. The feral captain raced back to the kitchen, forcing Nami to turn on her heels and chase after him._

" _Luffy, no! Bad boy!" she scolded. Despite her effort, but he was just too fast for her and made it to kitchen in no time. Just as she was about to follow him in, she noticed Zoro walk to the left of the door and stumble into the Sunny's deck._

" _Dammit, Zoro! Must I babysit everyone?! What would you idiots do without me around?!"_

"And that's what happened."

If Chopper hadn't swelled into his human hybrid form to keep Zoro subdued, he surely would have had to spend the entire night operating on Nami's mangled body.

"Okay, you guys clearly take way too many artistic liberties in these retellings," Usopp complained.

"I'm not a monkey…!" Luffy peevishly muttered, barely keeping his anger under wraps.

"But regardless, the gist I get from this is that when everyone went to bed, Luffy returned to the kitchen for one last rummage through the potentially unlocked refrigerator?" Usopp inquired.

"Yes," Nami answered with confidence.

Usopp gaze remained skeptical as he stroked his chin. "And you did _nothing_ to stop him…?"

"Um, well," Nami started, growing more uneasy.

"Interesting development," Franky commented. "Defendant, what do you have to say about this?"

"Yeah, I did go back, but it was only because I left my hat in the kitchen!" Luffy argued. "And Nami, you _did_ go after me! And so did Sanji!"

The room fell silent. This story was far more complex than anyone had ever expected. Nobody knew what to believe anymore. Brook in particular was wracking his brain trying to figure out where this story would be heading next. Or rather, he _would_ be wracking his brain if he actually had one, but…oh you get the damn point.

"Nami, Sanji, do you deny this?" Usopp asked, the pride booming in his voice as smelled victory in his grasp.

"Well, yeah, we did, but…" Sanji stammered. While he was more worried about finding out who stole the food in general rather than simply pinning the crime on Luffy and calling it a day, his confusion at the entire situation had overwhelmed him.

"HERE'S what happened," Luffy began…

_Luffy barged in the kitchen and looked around. He'd been so caught up in the meal that he completely forgot about his trusty hat, which he certainly wasn't going to sleep without. After looking through the various cabinets, it finally dawned on him that the hat was actually right where left it – at his seat on the table._

" _Woo-hoo, there it is!" Luffy beamed, stretching his arm to the table to grab it and placing it atop his head where it belonged._

_Just as Luffy turned around, Sanji and Nami barged into the room. Luffy paid them no mind, however, instead enveloped in patting the hat atop his head and his fantasies about what was in store for tomorrow. His mind trailed off into the various adventures that could occur while he hummed his whimsical theme tune…_

" _Ba-badum-bum-baaaaa, bada-ba badum-bum-baaaaaaaa, bada-ba da-bum-bum baaaaaaaa, bada-ba budum-bum ba-badaaaaaaaa…." He sang in his mind._

_Nami and Sanji were glaring at him while their lips were rapidly moving, but Luffy neither heard nor cared about what they were saying as he left the kitchen._

Silence.

"Does anybody feel even less informed than they were before?" Zoro asked.

"Well…anyway, that segues me into the next stage of my argument," Usopp began. "You see, by the prosecution's own admission, neither Nami nor Luffy's stories are consistent with the theory that Luffy stole from the refrigerator, while Zoro's story reveals it was next to impossible. Luffy's story, which again, Nami and Sanji have reluctantly confirmed, indicates that Luffy was _not_ the last person in the kitchen last night. And additionally, Zoro said that a certain penny-pinching Navigator _was_ lording some debts over at the dinner table, give or take a few details, of course."

"Where the hell are you going with this, Usopp?" Nami demanded.

"I ask you a simple question, Nami: where were at approximately 6 o'clock yesterday evening?"

Nami suddenly grew anxious, aimlessly looking around while trying to figure out a way to get herself out of Usopp's question. The sweat that was starting to drench her forehead sure as hell gave away Usopp's discovery of his trump card. "Well, um, y'know, we all stopped at that island, and…"

"You were with Luffy on the ship, weren't you?"

Nami tried to let out a few easy-going laughs, but the intensity of Usopp's gaze was simply overwhelming her, gradually forcing her into a corner. "No, I hadn't seen Luffy all day!"

Usopp zipped back to his and Luffy's table, where he propped his suitcase back open.

"Oh yeah?! Well tell that to this **SEMEN SAMPLE!"**

The room erupted into chaos, with the jaws of every Straw Hat member save for Usopp's dropping, eyes bulging to inhuman proportions. Zoro spewed his beer all over his shirt, and even Robin was showing her surprise. Sanji burst into enraged, anguish tears. Most stunned and confused of all were the two "culprits" of this apparent act, Luffy and Nami. Their eyes were fixated on the Ziplock bag that Usopp held before them.

"…Ew!" Luffy groaned.

"Wh-wh-what the _hell_ are you talking about?!" Nami stammered, trying to regain her breath and ability to form coherent thoughts.

After allowing the frenzy in the room to continue for a few more moments, Usopp gave a hearty chuckle and put the bag down. "Ha, just kidding! It was actually just this Cinnabun I've been chowing down on all day, I just wanted to see you guys' reaction!" He held up the Cinnabun for all to see.

Sanji wiped off his forehead and took a relieved breath, his heart palpitations ceasing. Nami wasn't so calm, however, leaping from her chair to tackle the henpecked lawyer.

"Don't you _ever_ make a fool out of me like that again, got it?!" she demanded with both arms firmly grasped around his throat.

"I'm sowwy," Usopp wheezed.

Luffy folded his arms and offered Usopp a confused glance. "Yeah, and why would I wanna bang Nami, anyway?"

"LIKE YOU'D EVEN KNOW HOW!" Nami shrieked.

"ORDER IN THE COURT!" Franky demanded, slamming his gavel down several times in succession.

The booming voice of Franky made the legal opponents pipe down and return to their seats. Nami recomposed herself in the witness chair while Usopp resumed his interrogation.

"Okay, okay, so there weren't any carnal activities at hand, but you _were_ with Luffy yesterday, and you know how I know? Because I was bedridden with a severe bout of 'Can't go to the Terrifying Monster Island-itis!'

"Yeah, sure, okay, but what does that have to do with anything?" Nami asked.

"Because I overheard what you two were discussing!" Usopp revealed, which elicited a gasp from Nami. "Y'see, judge and jury, Nami had recently purchased a rather spiffy statue of a lion to accompany the Thousand Sunny's figurehead, but it was broken; shattered into a million pieces! Nami blamed it on Luffy horsing around outside and charged him the 10,000 berries the statue cost, plus 300% interest! HOWEVER, Luffy correctly contended that it was Nami herself who broke it when she swung the door open too hard to reprimand him, and thus was relieved of all debts!"

Franky nodded in respect of Usopp's detective skills, while Chopper and Brook scribbled down a few notes. Nami anxiously bit her lip as Usopp's testimony continued.

"Despite what you let on, Nami, you are very prideful and _hate_ being shown up, plus you'll never let an opportunity to get money escape from your clutches. After all, what are the two things you so proudly boast about loving above all else…?" With a sly smirk, Usopp leaned towards Nami's chair and cupped his ear.

"T-tangerines…" Nami hatefully mumbled.

"And…?"

"….money."

"Exactly! So do you want to know what I think happened?!" Usopp, yet again, left his seat and marched to Franky's podium. "After Luffy left the kitchen last night, you took matters into your own hands! After all, you spent eight years of your life as a top officer of the Arlong Pirates, and in that time you became a _master thief_ , expertly traversing to and fro, perfecting the art of deception, and using your body to get exactly what you want."

Usopp turned his attention to Sanji. "In order to get Sanji out of the equation, you probably complained of the cold and the awful congestion it left in that _luscious, soft, pillowy mound of flesh_ that is your chest!. Sanji, being the easily manipulated pervert he is…" Usopp actually managed to evade a swinging kick aimed at his head, "Stormed out of the room to find a sweater for you, and it was then that you put your master plan into work! You unlocked the safe, stole the limbs from the Bananagator that Sanji had inconspicuously subdued earlier in the day, and shoved the containers in that ample cleavage of yours-"

"Okay, we get it, Usopp!" Zoro whined.

"-And snuck off into the night, while Sanji didn't detect a thing. Even if he did notice something off, he'd never suspect his dear, sweet, Nami- _swan_. This morning, _you_ were the one who woke us up for breakfast!" Nami's stammering and shuddering versus Usopp's confident expositing was quite role reversal. The longer Usopp went on, the more terrified Nami became, as her story began to fall.

"While we sauntered off to enjoy Sanji's cooking, _you_ slipped into the men's room and placed the container in Luffy's bed, thereby _**pinning the theft on him!**_ " Usopp's words were like a grenade rolling into the middle of the room, capturing everyone's attention and leaving them speechless. "But for what motive? Why would you commit such a heinous crime and try to hold Luffy responsible? Well it's simple – after all, you were the one who proposed that Luffy be banned from eating meat for a month. You _knew_ that Luffy would crack in a day at best, and come groveling at the knees of the one member of the crew who always has money. He'd plead for you to lend him money for food to sneak around, and thus you'd have a debt _and_ blackmail to lord over him! Such power, such deception!"

Nami could only offer an uneasy laugh. "Oh, c'mon guys, Usopp has clearly just watched way too many crime movies…!"

"It's the perfect crime, really, and one that was _masterfully_ executed by a thief as exceptional as yourself. It was executed to perfection," Usopp praised, until his expression turned grim. "Or rather it would be, if it weren't for _one_ slip-up that escaped your eye." Usopp returned to his table and retrieved something from his suitcase, which he revealed to the court room.

"A SINGLE STRAND OF ORANGE HAIR!"

_Boom_.

Nami's heart dropped to her stomach. Her vision went white. For all intents and purposes, Usopp had utterly pulverized her in the courtroom. She'd grossly underestimated his forensic abilities and now she was going to pay the price. The other members of the courtroom were captivated by Usopp's testimony, hanging on his every word.

Usopp thrust his arm out and pointed his accusatory finger directly at Nami like a dagger. "It was you who broke the statue! It was _you_ who stole the Bananagator limbs! And it was _**you**_ who planted the contraband under Luffy's bed!" The scolding contempt in Usopp's voice, combined with the glares of shame from Luffy, Zoro, Chopper, and Brook made Nami practically melt in her seat.

The Brave Warrior of the Sea™ triumphantly planted his hands on his waist. "Now what do you have to say for yourself?!"

Nami opened her mouth, but all that could come out were tremors of air. Her world was crumbling; she genuinely had no legitimate defense against Usopp's testimony. She was as good as caught, and there was only one real thing she could do to salvage herself.

She cried.

"Y-you guys are so _mean_!" she sulked, catching the boys completely off-guard and throwing off the mojo Usopp acquired with his courtroom chicanery. Nami buried her face into her hands and sobbed her guts out like a scorned child.

"Oh c'mon, she's totally faking!" Luffy contested.

"A-all I wanted to do was teach Luffy a lesson about g-greed, and now you guys are saying I stole food and calling me a loan shark and comparing me to the devil…!" she whimpered through a mess of mucus and tears. She looked pleadingly into Luffy's eyes with the most miserable, pained expression she was capable of. "Wh-what did I ever do to you guys?!"

Faster than one could say "Mellorine", Sanji leaped from his seat and was instantly at Nami's side to hold and comfort her. "HOW COULD YOU GUYS BE SO CRUEL?! ACCUSING NAMI OF DOING SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T EVEN DO JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO COWARDLY TO FESS UP YOURSELF!" he roared, glaring at Luffy and Usopp with anguished contempt, his own tears forming.

"For the love of God, those are the most obvious crocodile tears I've ever seen!" Zoro barked, himself growing annoyed by her behavior. As far as he was concerned, his depiction of her was totally accurate.

"You're not really gonna fall for this crap, are you?!" Luffy growled, becoming overcome by cartoonish rage.

Nami found time to stop sobbing in Sanji's arms to go further with her story. "A-and for your information, there's a reason there was orange hair on Luffy's bed. I-I've been in love with Luffy since I first joined the crew and was too scared to tell him 'till I finally confronted him yesterday and told him how I felt…!"

"WHAT?!"

"AND HE REJECTED ME!" Nami shrieked. "He told me to buzz off and left me to cry in his bed while he went off with his stupid adventures, and now he goes and does this!" She held on to Sanji tighter, crying so loudly she sounded like a dying cat.

"HOW COULD YOU, LUFFY?!" Chopper bellowed.

"This is most ridiculous crap I've ever heard!" Luffy protested. "C'mon, Franky, y-"

It was hopeless for Luffy, because Franky had become so moved by Nami's crushing tale of rejection that he, too, had been reduced to tears. "Luffy, I didn't know you were capable of such abject cruelty! To play with that poor woman's heart and pin your nefarious theft on her is savagery not even deserving of a trial…!" With compassionate, vengeful spirit, Franky violently slammed his gavel against the podium. "I AWARD FIVE THOUSAND BERRIES TO THE PLAINTIFF AND HEREBY BAN LUFFY FROM EATING MEAT FOR ONE MONTH!"

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me?!" Luffy shouted, while Usopp was so pissed he shoved his suitcase off the table.

"IN ADDITION, I DEMAND YOU PAY THE TEN THOUSAND BERRIES PLUS THREE HUNDRED PERCENT INTEREST OWED TO NAMI FOR HER STATUE, ALONG WITH ANOTHER FIVE THOUSAND BERRIES FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!" Franky slammed his gavel several more times while passionately wailing to the heavens.

Through what was surely a miracle, Nami's tears completely vanished within seconds and she merrily pushed Sanji off of her. "You're really speakin' my language, Franky!"

"Oh, you little _liar!_ " Luffy vengefully snarled, writhing ferociously in Usopp's grip. Nami strut from her seat with insufferable levels of smugness, stopping to look down at the pair of sore losers with a delighted smirk.

"Now what's the lesson here, boys? Don't try to outsmart a thief." As Nami sauntered off with her head held proudly in the air, it took all of Usopp's strength to keep Luffy restrained. He was practically frothing at the mouth.

After relinquishing the restraining duties to Zoro and Chopper, Usopp leaped to the podium. "This is a gross miscarriage of justice, your honor! I DEMAND A RETRIAL!"

"My order is final!" Franky roared.

"I WANNA SEE YOUR CERTIFICATION! WE ALL KNOW DAMN WELL NAMI PLAYED YOU LIKE A FIDDLE! I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL MY CLIENT IS GIVEN HIS DUE JUS-" Franky glanced at Robin and gave her a thumbs-down gesture, which she instantly deduced.

A hand suddenly sprouted from Usopp's chin and clamped his mouth shut. Two more hands popped up from the floor and tripped him, causing him to fall into a hammock of arms that rolled him out of the courtroom.

With a broad smile and his tears of compassion washed away, Franky proudly banged his gavel one last time.

"Case dismissed!"

* * *

Later in the evening, Luffy sat atop the Lion figurehead of the Sunny, staring intently at the night sky like every last star were a tangerine. He probably should have seen the outcome of the silly trial coming from the start, but it didn't make it any less annoying. He was so furious that he _skipped dinner_. Fruits and vegetables?! Blech.

"'Sup, Luffy?"

Oh, _that_ voice. Luffy grunted obnoxiously loud just to scare her off, though judging from the giggling he heard behind him, that didn't quite work.

"Still mad, huh?"

"I'm not talking to you," Luffy mumbled.

All Nami did was laugh louder, always getting a kick at how bratty and childish her captain could behave sometimes. Not that she didn't earn his attitude this time, of course, but she liked poking the bear every now and then.

"Oh, c'mon, it was fun and you know it."

"This breeze is annoying. It sounds like that orange-haired devil lady that I'm not talking to."

Though Nami rolled her eyes, she still had a smile on her face. She looked down at the fried Banagator leg she was holding and shrugged. "Don't tell anyone I did this," she said before holding the leg over Luffy's shoulder.

Luffy's eyes widened in amazement when he saw the Banagator leg. "Whoa, thanks, Nami!" he exclaimed, drool spilling from his mouth. All of his rage was forgotten the second he took a bite out of it.

Nami smiled and giggled some more when she saw how happy Luffy looked while chomping down on the meat. "Y'know, if you help me plant a couple of tangerine trees tomorrow, I might just call it even on the statue debt."

"Yeah, sure thing," Luffy cheered with his mouth full. "Think you can talk Sanji out of the meat ban, too?"

"Nah, I think I'll just keep sneaking 'em to you," Nami replied with a wink. The wide grin on Luffy's face made her wonder why she'd actually growm concerned that Luffy was going to be seriously angry at her. "And y'know, not all of what I said back there was a lie."

"Really? What else did you tell the truth about?" Luffy asked, a curious eyebrow raised.

"You figure it out."


End file.
